


Letters

by GreyWeeknds



Series: 30 days writing challenge [27]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 20:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWeeknds/pseuds/GreyWeeknds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear someone,</p><p>My therapist told me to begin writing letters; so that I’ll understand what the reason is why I’m in pain. It’s quite absurd really if you ask me, because I know why I am hurt, I’ve just chose to not tell him about it. I don’t see a reason why I should tell my deepest secrets to a complete stranger, if I wanted that, then I could just scream it all to the whole world instead. No, I like to think that it’s okay to have some things that you want to keep to yourself, that you don’t have to reveal it in that white room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters

_Dear someone,_

_My therapist told me to begin writing letters; so that I’ll understand what the reason is why I’m in pain. It’s quite absurd really if you ask me, because I know why I am hurt, I’ve just chose to not tell him about it. I don’t see a reason why I should tell my deepest secrets to a complete stranger, if I wanted that, then I could just scream it all to the whole world instead. No, I like to think that it’s okay to have some things that you want to keep to yourself, that you don’t have to reveal it in that white room._

_I wonder sometimes if I’m real or if I’m just a character in somebody else’s dream. Because there is those days when I just feel like I’m this plastic piece, not a human being. It’s like I don’t have real emotions, only mirroring other people’s behaviour. I know, it sounds weird, but I guess I am too._

_I don’t know what there is else to write, this was just a stupid idea,_

_Harry._

-

He was beating his fingers impatiently on the armrest of the black leather couch. He didn't dare to look up at those curious dull eyes; they felt like they were trying to examine him already. He had visited this place seven times, yet he hadn't said anything but a couple of polite phrases to the other man. It wasn't that he didn't like the other male; it was just that he wasn't comfortable with telling him his private thoughts. He knew that the man was slowly starting to get bored by his silence. 

He drew his gaze over the walls like a brush over a drawing. The whole room was clinical white, his mother had told him something about that it was because that the white colour makes you feel calm and harmonious, somehow Harry couldn't really agree with that. The white walls made him feel smaller and shyer, like he was just a dot in a big scary world. But that wasn't actually any different by how he felt otherwise, that was the reason why he was here.

At first he was just like some any other kid, he had friends, played football and did his homework. There hadn't been anything different with him if you watched him from the outside, but there was something deep inside him that had always felt wrong, like there was something that was missing. His friends had slowly started to drift away when he had moved from London to Cheshire with his mum and sister. She had met some new lad that had stolen her heart, unfortunately not Harry's. He wasn't mean or anything like that, but there was something odd about him. The way he always tried to impress Harry in front of his mother, like she didn't like him already. Or the way he always bought expensive presents to him, he couldn't buy Harry’s trust with money.

The move to Cheshire had been a disaster; his new school wasn't anything like his old. At his old school everyone was nice to each other, here was money all that counted. The students were snobby and bragging, he didn't have anything in common with them. So he was quiet, he had thought that was the best thing to do, but so wrong he had been. Nobody noticed him, the teachers didn't even know his name, he was just invisible. 

"Harry, I'm not forcing you to talk to me, but we have met now for almost two months, and yet you haven't even told me one single thing about you." the old man said.

"I'm sad.” he breathed out as he closed his eyes. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that." 

"I'm sad," Harry said again, this time with his eyes open and voice stronger.

"It feels like there's no reason to walk or talk anymore, because I know that there is no one that loves me. I know that my mother care about me, but that isn't enough. I want to have friends, someone to laugh with. I want to be carefree, not be afraid if I do something wrong. I want to stop crying myself into sleep every night, frightened if I am going to bother to go up from my bed again. Because sometimes I feel like there is no point, because there is no one that will be missing me."

He looked at the man again, and he looked utterly surprised. Harry knew that he hadn't been very sociable when he had been here, but he never had wanted to come here from the first place. His mother had been fed up with him; she wanted to spend more time with her new boyfriend. And Gemma hadn't time for him either, she was to busy working at the diner down town. He couldn't really blame her, she wanted a life. She had friends, a work and a cute boyfriend. There wasn't a place for a brother in her life right now, though there was a massive place for a sister in his. 

"Harry can we agree on one thing? Every morning when you wake up, you'll promise yourself that you'll try to say hello to someone new everyday till the next time we'll see each other?"

"Sure..." 

The man looked down at his wristwatch, and then to Harry again.

"Well, our time is out. See you next week, and don't forget our deal." 

Harry didn't even bother do say goodbye, he was far too scared about the hello-thing he was about to do.  _'You can do it Harry, it's just a simple hello.'_  He thought. It wasn't that bad, he hadn't promised the psychiatrist to befriend anyone. That would have been terrible, because he couldn't really remember how too; it had been a long time since he last had too. 

He walked home slowly; his mum had forgotten to pick up him this time too. She was probably to busy pining after Rob. He didn't like it, but he felt a small tear falling down his cheek. He hated to cry, when he did, he felt even smaller than usually. When he was home again, he ran up the stairs and threw himself into the bed.  _'Tomorrow,'_ he thought,  _'tomorrow I'm gonna say hello to somebody.'_

When he woke up he felt even more down than usual. He had have nightmares for today's reassignment. The even worse thing if he said hello than being laughed at, would probably be being ignored, because that would just be cruel and inhuman. He took a bowl with cereals and sat in front of the telly, there was a cartoon on rerun. 

"Harry?" he heard his mum calling.

"Where have you been, I didn't see you yesterday?"

"I was at home, you forgot to pick me up from the psychiatrist."

He could see the guilt in his mother's eyes. He knew that she felt bad that she had forgotten him, but that didn't make him feel better, actually it made it all worse. Because that proved him that he was right, that she loved her new boyfriend more than him. 

"I'm so sorry baby, can you forgive me?" she asked, still looking like a child with its hand down the candy bowl.

"Yeah, sure." he lied.

She sent him a shy smile before she went to the bathroom doing the laundry. He put his plate in the dishes before he put on his blue school uniform and went out to the bus stop. The birds were singing in the trees and the sun was shining like there was no tomorrow. If it had been like before he would have felt happy, but now it was different, now he was just sad.

The yellow school bus stopped in front of him, he gave the driver a nod before he sat down on his usual place. He remembered that he was going to say hello to somebody, it would have been perfect to say it to the driver, that wouldn't even had been weird. Now though, it was too late. And it would have been a bit of cheating; he was going to say it to somebody new, somebody that would challenge him. He looked out through the window, there was a blond boy with big white headphones that hid his ears. He couldn't remember he had ever seen the lad; perhaps he was a new one. He saw the guy walking into the bus and before Harry could process it, he had passed him, not even noticing the boy with the chocolate curls and the green sad eyes. 

-

When the bus pulled out in front of the school, Harry walked swiftly to his locker. His first lesson was math, not something he looked forward too. He knew he was almost failing the subject, but yet he couldn't find himself to care. The only thing he was worried over was that if he failed the class, he would have to go to summer school, and that might be the worst thing that could ever happen to him. He sat down on an empty place in the classroom; he was one of the few that always sat by himself. Everybody thought that the loners in the class were friends, but they were wrong. If the loners had been friends from the first place, they wouldn't even be loners. 

He saw the guy from the bus standing beside the teacher; he heard her whispering something about sitting beside the curly one. The blue-eyed kid sighed loudly, he understood him. Harry wouldn't want to sit beside himself either if he would have been anybody else.

"Hi." the boy muttered.

"Hello." Harry mumbled back.

"I'm Niall." he smiled falsely.

"Harry."

He tried to smile back, but not too much. He didn't want to show his childish dimples that he was so ashamed of, they reminded him too much of SpongeBob on the telly. 

"So, how's the school?" 

Harry heard the thick Irish accent, it sounded lovely.

"Don't know, just been here for a couple of weeks really."

That was a minor lie. He had been here for exactly three moths, three months of hell. 

"Oh." he answered, more to himself than to Harry.

The lesson went on, but Harry couldn't even count one sum. All he could think of was that he actually had said hello to somebody, and God he was so proud. Maybe, just maybe he would befriend the Irish teen. Maybe they would be best friends. He felt a small smile playing on his lips; today was going to be a good day. 

-

He had been wrong. No, that wasn't enough, he had been massively wrong. Him and Niall wasn't going to be friends, the Irish teen had left him right after the lesson and just after two days he seemed to be best friends with Louis Tomlinson and his gang. How could he have been so stupid to actually think that Niall wanted to spend his time hanging around Harry? Nobody liked him, why should the blond boy with the gorgeous blue eyes be any different? Harry didn't even like himself, so why should Niall?

It had been a week since his last appointment; he was going there again this afternoon. He wasn't very fond of the idea to tell the old man that no, he hadn't kept his promise. But he couldn't lie; he didn't have the strength to do it. 

"Hello Harry." the man smiled.

Harry sent him a short nod and fell down in the sofa. He was too embarrassed to even look into his old eyes. 

"So, how has your week been?" the man asked. 

"Good... I guess." Harry mumbled. 

"No, how has  _your_ week been?" the man tried again.

He roamed with his emerald eyes, first to the walls, then down on his shiny black shoes and then finally at those tired brown eyes. 

"Bad. I've been more sad than usual, didn't thought that was possible. I've tried to be happy, I actually did, but I can't. In school I try to have this facade, to be the quiet kid. But it's not working anymore, I'm just feeling that nobody care enough about me if I'm really there, you know." Harry said, trying to hold back his tears.

"Do you know what have made you feel sadder this week?" 

"Yes... There is this guy. He's new and I thought that perhaps we could be friends, so I said hello and it seemed that he didn't dislike me. But he hasn't even talked one word since that time we said hello to each other." 

"Harry, I want to break our last deal. I want you to focus on only one person, try to greet him everyday. Say something nice to him, try to be his friend. You have to challenge yourself if you want him as your friend, so try to be his." 

Harry nodded before he fell into silence again. All he could think about was that the kid was going to think that he was really weird. If they had ignored each other the entire week, what would he think if Harry suddenly began to say  _"Good morning! How has your day been? The weather is going to be even warmer next week!"_

When he came home he saw that his sister was there, that only happened for a few occasions. He felt his lips was reaching to his ears, he ran to her and gave her a long and strong hug.

"Harry! Somebody seems happy to see me!" she laughed.

"More than you could ever know..." he said, snuggling his chin into her neck.

She hugged him hardly before she released him, they looked into each other’s eyes, smiling like two big dorks. Gemma was the best sister he could ever wish for; if he didn't have her, he wouldn't have something worth living for. The sad thing was that he was too afraid to tell her how much she really meant to him, she was his angel.

"I missed you!" he blurted out.

"Missed you too boo-bear." 

They talked for a few hours before he went to bed. She had made him completely forget about the Niall-thing. What if he thought that he was a freak? He felt how his stomach began to ache, he was really nervous about the whole make-a-new-friend-deal. When he was just going to say hello to people hard been enough, how he was actually going to try to befriend someone? He felt like he was going to throw up in any minute. 

-

His eyes searched its way to the slightly crooked teeth. There was something about them that mesmerized him, they should be ugly but he thought that they were the quite opposite actually... they were rather cute. He sent him a smile, hoping to death that the other boy would return it. Harry had known from the first minute that he saw him that he liked him, he didn't deny that. The only thing he knew was that he was scared to death to be refused. At his old school back in London everybody knew that he was gay, but they hadn't seemed to care. Here though, he didn't dare to tell anyone. There wasn't actually anyone who he would be able to tell, everybody seemed to think that he was some kind of poison that would kill you if you just looked at him.

His heart jumped when the Irish boy returned it, smiling like there was no tomorrow. He wanted to say something, like ‘Your sweater looks really good’, but when he met Niall’s friends’ gazes, he closed his mouth.

-

_Dear someone,_

_I’ve talked to him now, when our lesson was over, I said to him; “You want to do something after school?” He actually said yes, that he’d love too. I can’t explain how happy I am right now; I guess this whole letter-thing wasn’t as bad as I first thought it would be._

_I have to go now; he’s waiting for me at the lockers;_

_Harry._

_-_

“So I was quite surprised that you asked me out, I didn’t thought you were ever going to find the nerve to do it.” Niall smiled.

“Me neither.” He admitted, feeling rather good to finally be honest about himself.

“But I’m glad you did it, I’ve wanted you to do it since I saw you through that bus window the first day I began here. I was so nervous that I just walked pass you, afraid of meeting your eyes.”

He couldn’t really believe it; Niall had liked him the whole time as much as Harry had liked him. He had to swallow the goofy smile that wanted to play on his lips, his heart was pounding against his chest and his palms were really sweaty.

Would it be okay if he kissed him, would Niall react badly if he did? He wanted to feel those lips against his, make the pain in his belly disappear. But perhaps it was too early; maybe it was better to just wait for a few more weeks until it would be okay. But he hadn’t to think about that much more, because he felt Niall’s hand finding its way to his, and that was enough. He knew that everything wasn’t going to be good right away, but this was a start to it.


End file.
